Certified dad behavior: jokes the whole family has to live with. That's 50 jokes of pure dad energy.
Kid: 'Dad, can you put my shoes on?'
Dad: 'No, they don't fit me.'
Kid: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!'
Dad: 'Poof! You're a sandwich.'
Why did the dad bring a pencil to bed?
To draw the curtains.
Why did grandpa put wheels on his rocking chair?
He wanted to rock and roll.
What did the mother rope say to the child rope?
Don't be knotty.
Why did the toddler put sugar under his pillow?
He wanted sweet dreams.
Kid: 'Dad, how do I look?'
Dad: 'With your eyes.'
I used to play piano by ear.
Now I use my hands.
Kid: 'Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?'
Dad: 'No sun.'
Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Its parents were in a jam.
Kid: 'I'm cold.'
Dad: 'Go stand in the corner — it's 90 degrees.'
Why did the dad stare at the carton of orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate.'
What did the baby computer call its parent?
Data.
Why did the cookie cry in kindergarten?
His mom had been a wafer too long.
Why did the two antennas get married?
The ceremony was okay, but the reception was excellent.
What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
I find you very attractive.
What's the most romantic part about the ocean?
When the buoy meets gull.
Kid: 'Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?'
Dad: 'Sure — February 14th.'
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
Why do candles love birthdays?
They get to be the light of the party.
What did the elephant want for its birthday?
A trunk full of presents.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
It was marble cake.
What does a clam do on its birthday?
It shellabrates.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey!
I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.
He gave me a hug.
Dad, are you alright?
No, I'm half left.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes?
Sneakers.
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I'll hang around.
What did the big flower say to the little flower?
Hi, bud!
Why didn't the turkey finish its dessert?
Because it was already stuffed.
What do turkeys wear to formal occasions?
Gravy-ties.
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected foul play.
What do you call a stuffed animal?
You after Thanksgiving dinner.
Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn't chicken.
What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A pumpkin patch and stretch pants.
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will let it go.
What did one wall say to the other?
I'll meet you at the corner.
Why are piggy banks so wise?
They're filled with common cents.
What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel.
What do you call a fake rock?
A sham-rock.
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Why did the patchwork quilt make such a beloved family heirloom?
It had a knack for keeping everyone closely stitched together.
Why did the cast iron skillet become an adored family heirloom?
Because it was well-seasoned and handled everything with a great grip.
Why did the family enjoy sleeping in tents under the open pine woods?
Because the whole experience was completely in-tents.
Why was the family genealogist so proud of his research project?
He discovered that great traditions always have deep roots.
Why did grandpa organize the vintage family photo album by decade?
He loved developing family memories that would never fade.